Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
