You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
