Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
