even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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