The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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