i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
