but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
