The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
