so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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