I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
