As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
