I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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