I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
