i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
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Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
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It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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