It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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