Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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