Who did Billy Mays play for?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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