I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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