i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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