My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
