nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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