My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
