I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
