Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
