I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
