The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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