yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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