my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
