I am puke
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
