Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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