Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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