I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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