A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
