My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I am one with the molecules
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
