My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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