he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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