Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
