one might say we're banned from that church
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
