Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Your dad touched me again.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
