im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
