My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
