So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm too high and old for this...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
