I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
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2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
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I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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