I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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