Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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