Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
