help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
