thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
