The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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