I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
