Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
