My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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