Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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