just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
