When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
