Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
