Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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