I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
