Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
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in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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