life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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