I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
my poor anus
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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