just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
