he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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