that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
