Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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