i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
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